A True Story ：Invisible Prisoner

 A True Story

Help me !  Invisible Prisoner

By hiding myself under a corner which is covered safely by reinforced concrete and thick bricks in my newly bought house, I am extremely happy that I can get rid off “him” for a moment. I can no longer hear the endless chatter from “him” and I can shake off the omnipresent surveillance of “him”. In this corner, the cell phone can not receive any signals. And I can not hide myself here all the time. I have to live and I have to go out for work to make a living. And everytime when I think about this, I would be sad as if my heart is crying. My new house is located on the third floor of the building which has seventeen floors. Almost all of my neighbors in this building have moved in. “He” has followed me for fourteen years. How does “he” follow me? And who is “he”. “He” has affected me like an evil almost for fourteen years. Even up till now, I still can not get rid off “his” influence.

Chapter one

“Trouble Arose within the Family”

Fourteen years ago, at the late half year of 1995, the subordinate factory of the cotton textile dye mill in Fuzhou, China, in which I worked, belongs to the State Company. Our company did not strypped-down accordingly, and could not adapt to the severe market competition. Therefore, it had to stop production. At that time, I was about twenty or thirty years old. At this age, because of young, I was full of energy. Although I had the diploma of junior college, it is still very hard to find a steady and well-paid work. Besides, at that time, I had a failure marriage, and I had just divorced. My father was very worried about me. As a father who loved his son very deep, he hoped that I could find a steady and well-paid job and then build up a new family. Therefore, he asked almost all off his friends and relatives to see weather they can help me to find such a job because off the so called relation. At last, he heard of that his friend, uncle Chun, may be can help me. My father was very happy, just like he caught the only rice straw to save him. It was find out that uncle Chun’s son in law, named Jubao Tang, was the general manager of the Fujian Zhuanchang Real Estate Company. And the subordinate of this company, which was located in the fourth floor of JiaXin building on WuSi road in Fuzhou, needed to employ administers. 

When I came to the company to register, the one who received me is Bingguang Lin from the department of the company’s property. He was about forty or fifty years old and he had a casual wear that day. He had a medium height, about one hundred and seventy or eighty centimeters. And he also had a medium figure. On his squared and fatty face, there was a pair of heavy eyebrows lied above his big eyes. Judging from his bright and piercing eyes, one could say that he was a shrewd man who knew how to live a life comfortably. If there was a deficiency in his looking, and that must be his balding head. Although he combed his hair across the top of his head, we could also see the balding of his head. When I arrived, I sat in the front of his desk in his office, and listened to him. He used a quite kind tone to talk to me. I cannot remember what he said at that time. But I remember the main idea. He said that we were familiar to some extent. And my father often brought some presents, such as dried food, expensive wine, and expensive cigarettes, to general manager Tang. And at that time, the program of the company had not finished, therefore I was only informed to come to the company so late. My salary was six hundred. When he told me my salary, he asked for my opinion just because of trying to be politeness. And the only thing I can do is accept it, although my salary is much lower than the average salary in Fuzhou. Compare that salary to the former one, it was a little better. Before that, I had some instable works, and almost all of them are some kind of outgoing work, which means that I should go out for selling something. During that period of time, I was riding a bike around the city almost the whole day. It was exhausting and it was hard to sell the product smoothly. And then I thought that job was not so bad, because it was much easier than before. And the salary was not so bad also. I could accept it. It was only one hundred or two hundred less than before. Most of the time, I told to myself : “never mind, I can recover myself during this period of peace time.”

My working place was located in the northern Fuzhou, at northern-west of Chayuan district. A building with seven floors was standing quiet on the south top of the wall. The entry and exit gate was on the straight eastern of the district. On the left corner of the gate there was a new constructed one-floor house. There were two rooms in that house. When entering the door, you were in the working room, and there were an office desk and two wood sofas. And another room was for sleeping. In a word, that was like any other room for doorkeeper in any district. And it is in that room that I began to work. When I began to work, the houses in the district were handed over to their new owners in droves. I hold all the keys of the whole building, and under the instructions of the manager Bingguang Lin, I opened the door for the house owner to check their new house and handed over the keys to the destined owner. My work was quite easy. And during this period of time, I was familiar with the driver of the general manager Tang, Xiao Tang and Xiao Chen from the property department. It was in Bingguan Lin’s office where I met the general manager Tang for the first time. At that time, I was reporting the work to Bingguang Lin, and suddenly he told to me, after he had a glace of the door : “ this is the general manager Tang.” After hearing that, I stood up and turned to the general Tang immediately and looked him up and down in a secret way. It seemed that he paid particular attention to his wearing. He wore a pair of very polishing leather shoes and above the shoes there came the dark straight western-style trousers. And he wore a expensive and nice-looking white shirt. It looked like that it was just ironed. His no bad looking face glittered with the light of wealth. And even his well combed hair was also glittering. The manager Tang was an arrogant rich man. He did not pay attention to the common people like me. Therefore, when I gave the cigarette to in an extremely deferential way, he was very supercilious and stopped me with his hand. There was a defiant smile on his lips and he voiced to Bingguang Lin straightly. I stood to one side uncomfortably, and listened to their talk unconfidently. However, after their talk, it was improved that I got nothing from their talk, even a single word. Later, I learned from my father that Jubao Tang had been an educated urban youth who had gone and worked in the countryside or mountain areas. I was so surprised to know it that I could not believe it. I wandered why he paid no respect to me. Maybe the reason why he treated me so rudely is that he believed that I was from the lower class, and my father begged him to give me an opportunity to work here. Jubao Tang and I, we were from the same society but with the extraordinary disparity. He was rich and I am poor. In order to make a live, I had to degrade myself in this company. Both Xiaotang’s house and mine were located in Cangshan district. Mine was in Xiachi and his was in Cangpu. Between our houses there was only a big road. Therefore, to some extent, we were near neighbors. From my father and Xiaotang, I learned some background of Fujian Zhuanchang Real Estate Company and the complex humane relationships in this company. Fujian Zhuanchang Real Estate Company. The parent company of Fujian Zhuanchang Real Estate Company was Fujian Huamin limited corporation which was run direct under the provincial government. Therefore, the company owned the strong governmental background. The relationship between Bingguan Lin and the general manager’s wife was on good terms. It was said that Bingguan Lin’s wife and the general manger’ wife were sister-like. Xiaotang’s uncle, Jiakun Zhang, was the vice governor of Fujian province. Because Xiaotang had the humane relation background, he can enter the company from other company and work as a regular employee directly.

After about three months, I learned from Xiaotang that the salary paid for the regular employee is much higher than the temporary employee like me. Their salary was over two thousand yuan, and their bonus was about one or two hundred. Besides, when came the festivals, they would get some extra bonus such as a red paper containing money as a gift or some other gifts. While, I, not a regular employee, only had the salary of six hundred, and except the salary, I had no other extra income. I was discontent with my pay. Therefore, I tried my best to improve my payment. When I saw Bingguang Lin was cleaning his motorcar, I helped him to clean it with my initiative. When he had some advice or requirements in my work, I would try my best to satisfy him. Owing to my efforts, the home owners who came to check or look at the house were satisfied with my service and attitude. I ceased the right opportunity to ask Bingguang Lin whether my payment could be improved a bit or not. He kept silent for a second and said: “well, I should ask the general manager Tang’s opinion. You know this should be approved by the general manager Tang.” A few days later, it was the Mid-Autumn Festival, Xiao chen, from the property department informed to come to company to get the gift of moon-cake and one hundred as bonus. When my father knew it, he was very happy and encouraged me to work hard.

It is a pity that people always make such a mistake. They are always not content with what they already have. They often reach one for a yard after taking an inch. One day, not long after the National Holidays, I finally asked Bingguang Lin to raise one or two hundred to my pay. And at this time, he had an unhappy face and said nothing. I ignored his reaction and thought in such a big company, raising one or two hundred yuan to its employee’s salary was not a big deal. And such a big company should not mean to its employees. We two parted with ill feelings. A few days later, Bingguang Lin had called me and had told me that the general manager Tang would come to the construction site to make an inspection. Therefore, I had to keep the around clean. The next day, the manager Tang came in a car and followed some people. They entered the construction site to discuss with the contractor about the starting of the construction job. When they ended their talk, the general manager Tang came to me and took a look at me on purpose. After one day or two days of that, Bingguang Lin told me that the general manager Tang had some words to me. He said: “you are so young, and how can you stay here in the gate chamber?” after heard those words, I felt bad as if my heart was torn into pieces. And it showed apparently that they wanted me to leave

From then on, when I recalled it, I realized that they never thought about raising my salary. And I was just a small potato. It was impossible to raise a small potato’s salary. The company was the provincial state-owned one. Therefore, the one who could enter the company must have a good background. Again I knew that I was just a small potato. My status in the company was just like the paid cleaner. I was too na?ve and too simple, because I thought that I also had a bit humane relation, and owing to that, it was naturally that I could ask them to raise my salary. However, it was proved finally that I was wrong. They not merely did not want to raise my salary, but also wanted to get rid off me, because maybe they thought I was a trouble. Later, they asked Xiao tang to tell me that it was impossible to raise my salary. And if I did not want to stay, I could leave. Those words displeased me a lot. If I could control my angriness and accepted those words silently, my life would be peacefully. However, I was a complete snippersnapper. Because of being young, and I was unwilling to accept such a heart-hurting words. Therefore, from then on, I always thought about tricks to improve my salary. And that was the fatal decision I had made in my life. It caused me a lot of pain. As the old saying goes, life is just like the chess playing. When you move a wrong step, you will lose. Playing chess is just playing a game. Seeing from this, it is totally different from life. In our life, when move a wrong step, it is impossible to revise it. And that fatal decision made me to begin my wrong direction of my life. 

Therefore, I began to fight a battle with wits and courage with them. I knew it clearly that at first I should protect myself in a good way. I could have the good use of the keys which were kept by me. I disordered the number of the keys in a secrete way. And wrote down the new order in a paper and kept it secretly to use it as a bargaining chip against them. The concept of self-protection was gained from my previous work experience when I was worked in the subordinate company of Juren Group in Fuzhou in 1994.

The office place of the subordinate company of Juren Group in Fuzhou was an apartment of guest room in the third floor of YinShan building on WuSi Road. The general manager was named Zichao Guo who was pretty gentleman, and Xiaoli, who was in charge of the financial affairs and store management. These two were sent to the subordinate company of Juren Group in Fuzhou by the subordinate company of Juren Group in Xiamen. Another three employees, Xiaojiang and Huichen, and I were interviewed and hired directly in Fuzhou. Xiaojiang was in charge of the finding of patrons and the advertisement of the products. And Huichen was in charge of the popularizing the final products to the drug stores. And my work was to coordinate with Huichen. The main tasks of the company were to coordinate with the medium such as television and newspapers to enhance the advertisements effects to the common people and to expand the market to the health products Juren Naohuangjin of the company in Fuzhou. The name of the products imitated the successful product Naobaijin in China.

Huichen was about twenty years old. He had a medium or a little thin figure and had a treacherous face. He had a high-browed and a sharp and mummify chin. His threw eyes were hided in his golden-gild glasses. It seemed that he always was thinking of how to trap for others. The general manager Guo had no experience of management, and the company’s affairs did not work under a good operation. Xiaojiang, ostensibly, was finding the medium to advertise the product in a rather active way. However, he took the kickback in a great mount secretly. I remembered one day, Xiaojiang called the general manager Guo in a hurried way and said that he wanted the cash check. I took a taxi to the Fuzhou Night Paper’s office place. When I arrived at the department of the advertisement, the handler looked at me and then squinted at Xiaojiang. I did not know what had happened, and stood there embarrassedly. I still remembered such a embarrassed situation that I was tricked as to go on errands for Xiaojiang. As for Huichen, he also refused to admit being inferior. He stayed the office all day and tried to get some favor. Once, they were talking about the Melon-cutting of the benefits in the face of the general manager Guo. Their conversation was put as follows. Xiaoli said: “I am in charge of the financial affairs and store management of the company, and others should be in charged by you.” Xiaojiang said: “I am in charge of the finding of the medium to advertise our products. Huichen said: “I am the most tired one. The work of charging the final popularizing the final products to the drug stores is tiring. And I suggest when it comes the festivals, the key of the storehouse should be kept by me.” And Xiaoli smiled in an disapproved way and said: “no.” Huichen said: I am tired, and how about let me kept the key one or two times?” Xiaoli was in silent after heard his word. I heard all the conversation and kept them in my mind. Although I knew a lot of things, I did not know how to act to prove myself. I had not seen such a situation. Huichen just pretended to obey. Xiaojiang, ostensibly, was finding the medium to advertise the product in a rather active way for the general manager Guo. However, he was worried about how to take the kickback in a great mount secretly. Once, we were popularizing and promoting the sales of the product on Road Dongjie. When seeing the general manager Guo is leaving, Huichen asked us to stop working immediately. The temporary driver who was hired by the general manager Guo also complained to me that: “what a terrible company! It always want to get some kickback, even transporting some cargos. Huichen had a guilty conscience and was afraid that I could not bear the sight of his evil deeds. The general manager Guo was arranged me to stop his evil deeds to some extent on purpose. However, because of lack of experience, I did not know how to stop him. Huichen tried his best to expel me. And he always asked me to work outside to contact the drug stores. He also would cast a stone between the general manager Guo and Xiaoli. Once, when Xiaoli went back to his hometown, Huichen called me and asked me to check whether there was some guy who was selling the unauthentic Juren Naohuangjin in Taijiang Nongmao shichshang. He wanted to bring a false charge against Xiaoli in the face of the general manager Guo. He wanted to make the general manager Guo’s suspicious on Xiaoli, because Xiaoli kept the key of the store.

I did not want to stay such accompany which made feel so embarrassed and I want to leave. Fortunately, I had a receipt of Naohuangjin which was invoiced by Taijian Hualai drug store. And with the receipt I could get some money as my salary. It was unbelievable that one day, when Huichen and I had a rest in the office room, he stole the receipt from my pocket of my overcoat by stealth. I was very angry when I came back home. I hated Huichen to death and decided to take a revenge on him. I would hinder his way to make his evil wants become true. And finally, before the few days of the Spring Festival of 1995, I wrote the boss of the company, and reported their illegal deeds to him. My letter came to no end. After the Spring Festival, the general manager Guo hired a new employee from the talent market. And I left the company in a depressed mood. 

I would never forget this suffering. If I had not met Huichen, maybe me life would as common and peace as others. Therefore, it could say that it was Huichen who changed my destiny to hell.

I told my leading card of protect myself – the disordering of the keys, to the general manager’s driver, Xiaotang. And furthermore, I bragged to him that I was making a trap against Bingguan Lin. My nightmare began from that time. However, I had no idea at all.

Gradually, I found that the atmosphere of the place where I worked was changed a bit. around the suddistrict, the people who were familiar with me stood off me on purpose, and looked at me in a strange way. It looked like they were looking at a monster and were afraid of being hurt by the monster. I felt that more and more people were looking at me and observing me. The eyes were from the window or the balcony of the buildings around. I did the double poles exercise occasionally outside near the subdistrict. And once, when I was doing my exercise there, one strange man about thirty or forty years old looked at me in a hatred way. I could inferre from his eyes that he hated me very much. Even when I was on my duty, some strangers would come to interrupt me continually. Once, one of them said: “It is said that the general manager Tang will be sent to other subordinate company. Is that true?” I replied him angrily: “where you heard the news, and then go there to ensure it.” And another day, a man looked like a boss asked me in a way of respect: “boss, is there any apartment to be sold here?” It seemed that I really was the boss. And I replied him with a nod. Then, he thanked me immediately in a bowed way.

The new apartment owner came to irritate me one after another. 

The old man from room 203 once came to me and asked: “Youth, it is said that you are doing a good job, and you will be promoted to work in the company. Is that true?” I replied him very simply: “no, it is untrue.” 

The staff of the Mindong Dianji Company from room 601 saw me and kept appraising me. He said: “You owned a high quality and you do a very good work. You are pretty good.”

Once I called the woman from room 403 by interphone and talked to her. While she answered: “I am from room 203”. I was puzzled a lot by her words.

The owner of room 702 and room703 was a tall and strong railroad policeman. I could not understand that why he was like a cat when he saw me. Every time he would answer my all questions honestly. He told me that he bought these two apartments not because he wanted to live here, but because he wanted to put the connected wall down and connected the two apartments. He wanted to use them as an entertainment place. He said he could come here with his friends on weekend to play majiang or drink beer. I wonder why he had such a lot of money. I asked him unconsciously. However, it seemed that he was worried about my question as if I would know his secrete. And later, I dared not say hello to him. And a few days later, his wife sat at my office door for all afternoon. It seemed that she was waiting for somebody. His wife was pretty beautiful. She looked like a beautiful and elegant lady. But I did not have some unacceptable ideas.

During this period of time, I did not know why I was exited everyday. I read the book of negotiation skills with the thought of how to fight with Bingguan Lin with wits. I prepared and wished to battle against with him with my full spirits. One day, in the morning, Bingguan Lin came with a eye-catching red tie. I knew from book that the red tie was to show one’s confidence. I said: “How do you do, the general manager Lin?” “How do you do, youth?” replied the manager. I asked again, “Are you satisfied with my work?” “Yes, no bad.” He answered with smile. Once again I asked in a bit angry way: “we are familiar with each other. And why cannot you raise my salary. Why cannot you do such a small thing?” At this time, the previous smile on his face was gone, and he replied: “this is our company’s discipline. I cannot make the decision by my own.” I could not give up my idea forever, therefore, I asked him continuously: “Is there any other means to raise my salary?” He pretended not to hear my words and went outside. A few days later, the company sent some one from the Finance Department to check the desks and chairs in my office. It was ridiculous. Because they thought that I would steal them.

After a few days, I put the keys in the previous order. I did not know why I did so. Before I put the keys in the previous order, one of my friends Yimin came to visit me. He lived in the Chayuan subdistrict. He asked me seriously: “What is your purpose by doing so?” I could not answer his question immediately. And a few seconds later, I murmured: “I do not have any special purposes, I just do not want to be fired.” After that, I thought this question by myself for many times. Did I feel that by doing this would cause me in a big trouble? Did I change my ideas because of the praise by others? Or did I realize that I came here because of my father’s so called human relations? Or was I afraid of that I was not under the control of myself? Maybe all of the things mentioned above are the reasons. Even I, myself can not tell it clearly.

I knew that it is impossible for me to stay here for a long time. Therefore, I often went to the talent market which was located in the Industry Exposition Centre actively. I felt that I was under the great spiritual stress. I always felt that some people were observing me and following me. And when I looked back, they stopped and acted as normal. I felt very tired and lonely. I was depressed because I could not find a new job.

As the day went on, I found that stay in the property department was a torture for me. The environment around became more and more terrible. Such as the harsh noise caused by the boring holes, it seemed that it was boring holes in my heart, the harsh noise made the wood cut, the harsh noise when the metal dropped to the floor. All these noises made me terror and I could not have a good rest. Once, I wanted to calm myself down. Therefore I walked with my hands behind in the front of a building to think about whether I should stay or leave. And suddenly, I was showered with the soup which was poured from the building by the tenement. For ten or twenty days, I was exited with the thought of being a skilled negotiator. I imitated the people which were written in the book. And I became uncommunicative and longed my face all days. I often walked in the street with my dull-looking eyes. And during this period of time, I was called “ unnegotiatable”.

One day, I decided to go to the company to negotiate with Bingguang Lin for the last time. When I exited the elevator, I ducked my head as if I was a tall man. I put my hand behind and moved on. And my eyes were full of thoughts. When I moved on, I could hear the sound made by my shoes clearly. When I was entering the gate of the company, a woman about thirty years old came out from the company. She looked at me. It seemed that she was seeing an ET. She said with surprise: “woa, look, who is this guy?” I did not pay any attention to her, and walked directly to Bingguan Lin’s office. I sat in front of Bingguang Lin’s office desk, and after an exchanging of pleasantries, I asked him for the last time whether he could raise my salary a bit. During the conversation, I tried my best to put my words reasonably. Because I knew that if your words are reasonable, the listener may change his previous idea. I said: “the general manager Lin, uncle Chun and my father are good friends. And uncle Chun also is your good friend. According to this, can you raise my salary a bit?” Bingguang Lin did not answer me immediately. Instead, he took a deep breath with a bit tremble in his voice. I did not know what it meant. Was he considered me as a man with ability? Or is this really a problem uneasy to be settled? He bowed his head and did not look at me. He was a little nervous with my question. I asked continuously: “such a big country cannot give one or two hundred to me every month?” Bingguang Lin kept his head bowing and his eyes were looking at the desk. He answered: “This is really not my decision. It should be decided by the general manager Tang.” After his words, it is me who kept silent. I thought: “the general manager Tang was the son-in law of uncle Chun, and my father must had told uncle Chun that I wanted the company to raise my salary. Although I know that the general manager Tang looked down upon my father, I could do nothing to change his view. By thinking of this, I felt awful. And at this time, suddenly, there was a big noise caused by the dropping of wood curtain. And my heart was also dropped like the curtain. I could not control myself that I said with sobs: “My father tried his best to make me work here, and the result was so miserable.” Maybe Bingguang Lin was moved by my words, and he kept silent again. I did not know whether he was moved by me or not. I felt good as if I won the battle. I left the company with the happy mood. But I still wanted the company to raise my salary. Therefore, I went to meet Jubao Tang. I stopped the conversation, because I thought that it is useless to talk with such a guy.

I had met the new coming administrator. He had no good feelings on me, and I had no good feelings on him too. I could not forget the last night when I worked in the property department for ever. At that night, I put my head on the desk depressed and listened to the radio. Suddenly, a beautiful woman’s voice came from the radio. She was talking about a Chinese painter who went to XiZang, the north-western part of China, regardless of the difficulties and troubles he might meet in order to make his dream came true. And there, he met a beautiful girl. And they fell in love with each other. And at last the painter went to America. After hearing such a story, all sorts of feelings welled up in my heart. I could not control myself that I recalled the dream of my childhood. At that time, I wanted to be a painter when I grown up. And I learned to paint hardly. And at this time, a harsh voice came from the radio. It is the voice of the previous woman. She said: “You? Want to be a painter? Go to the hell?” I was extremely sad. And I thought: “I am thirty, but I still have no career. I live a tired life. Even, I can not feed myself.” By this sorrowing thinking, I could control myself, and began to cry. And I wanted to kill myself. I put out an knife from the drawer slowly. I wanted to use it to hurt myself. Fortunately, at this moment, some one was coughing at the door, and came in. I put away the knife immediately and swept my tears quickly. And I knew that they would not let people kill themselves when he was on duty.

I rode home late that evening. When I crossed the road, the road was bright because of the light from the building standing on the sides of the road. I saw the man who called me “unnegotiatinable” sitting on the side of the road. Maybe he knew that I was depressed. Therefore, he looked at me and spited on the road on purpose. When I was near the north of the bridge of Minjiang, I heard that my father was not at home. I was worried about him. And some one was coming to watch my depressed looking. During this period of time, I always let my face long. They wanted to see what had happened.

As a matter of fact, during the last few days of working in the company, my mind was controlled by something unseen power from the heaven. It seemed that my whole body and behaviors were controlled by it. It seemed that I could not control myself. Maybe the words were unbelievable. But my continuing suffering may make this easier to be believed. Please do believe me.

I met Huichen in the wrong time. I worked in the wrong company, Zhuangchang, a company where was filled with the atmosphere of government. And there I again met the wrong persons, Jubao Tang, who showed a total disregard for me. It was him who put me to the abyss. I admitted that the main causes were listed as follows. My wish of win and I was young with no experience. Seeing from this, it was me, myself who caused my tragic. But it was Jubao Tang and Bingguang Lin who pushed me to the abyss.

 

Chapter Two

Incessant Criticism and Denouncement Mental Breakdown

I lived in a three-storied house in Xiachi community in Qiaonan of Cangshan District, which was built in 1988 and has a total of 12 rooms. The neighborhood was mostly comprised of the same houses as mine. 

My father did not come home until late night, which made me rather worried for a while. It turned out that he was out somewhere else handling affairs.

After supper, I wandered in the street idly as if nothing had happened. Walking in the dim light of Gongnong Road, I suddenly sensed something abnormal behind my back. Whip-round, I saw a bunch of people was following me, among which there was an old lady. She walked up to me nervously with a slip of note in her hand and was sort of giving it to me while other passed quickly and chaotically by us. I was totally shocked and puzzled. But I decided not to engage them, turned round and moved on.

Walking about ten minutes, I felt that someone was followed me when I was near the cross of the ShiJingCI road. And this time, I decided to stop. And let the one who followed me pass me and walk in front of me. He was an old man about fifty years old. When he passed me, I decided to follow him to see what had happened. When he arrived at the end of XiaTeng Road, he turned back and kept walking. And I did not give up. I still followed him. A few seconds later, between the old man and me, there appeared some one continuously. They blocked my eyesight, and I leaned my body to put my eyesight on the old man. When we arrived at the cross of DunMuLi, I turned my back backward, and I was surprised to see a man with his bike standing on the side of the road. He was speaking to the microphone which was pined on his collar. We can see such a scene only in the film. What were they doing? I wanted to know. And now, I realized that they wanted to cause me nervous and feared. But I still kept calm. I kept following the old man until he stopped in front of a cloth stall which was set up at the gate of the Club for the workers. The owner of the cloth stall owned a cloth shop in the front of JingJiaYuan in XiaChi. And we were familiar with each other. The owner of the stall looked at me and said to the old man: “Do you have anything important which need the help of him?” Judging from the old man’s words, I knew that they were familiar with each other too. The old man replied slowly: “no, nothing important.” I noticed the man with his bike. His eyes were filled with hatred and put his two hands on his pocket as if in his pocket there were weapons. And he looked at with hatred. I realized that he might hurt me. Therefore, I went home immediately.

That evening, I lied in bed, and could not fall asleep. I thought: “these days there were too many unbelievable things. Why?” A few days before, I visited my friend Pingqiu. When I was leaving, his brother-in-law came to me and said: “congratulation. A big happy thing will come to you.” And these days, when many neighbors came across me, they did not smile. Instead, they stood off him and looked at me with hatred. Recalling about tonight’s situation, I was puzzled completely. At this time, a burst of women’s laughing sound came from the downstairs. It proved that the sound was from two girls from the neighbor. They were sisters. They were YiQin and YiXiu. One of them said: “the head of Chun is too big. Hahahaha…..” They were talking about my adventure which I just experience. I felt that they were talking something nonsense. Again one of them said: “wha, Chun is scolding! What a bad guy!” I was puzzled. Why what I thought in my mind could be known by them? I tried my best to hear. And then, they said: “Chun is overhearing.” After saying this, they stopped their conversation. I lied and thought about how to take a revenge to the JuRen company. Somebody pushed an overdue newspaper through the slot of the door of an empty apartment. This newspaper was about the popularizing of the company of JuRen. Reading the newspaper caused me to recall. Although it had happened one year before, I still remembered it at this dangerous time. I could not let me calm down. I always thought about how take a revenge. I could not fall asleep that night. When I was going to sleep, some noise from the outside awoke me up. I had no feeling of sleeping. I could do nothing but took seven or eight tablets. And I did not fall asleep until one o’clock in the morning. In 1984, I had a neurosis because of alcoholism. But I recovered very soon because of the cure. I took the medicine only when I could not fall asleep.

At the morning of the second day, I did not have a good situation. I had a headache. After I finished my breakfast, I heard the noise from the students who were studying in the Twelfth Middle school. They were crying and screaming. And I also could hear the harsh hoot made by the cars. And the noisy sound of people’s speaking. It seemed that all of these were coming to ask me to take revenge. Therefore, I decided to do it. On the road to the revenge, I felt that many people were looking at me. When I was in the bad mood, there came a lot of cars and people around me. The harsh hoots caused by the car were endless. I dared not easy myself, and tried to kept calm and spiritual. I tried my best to find the office location of the company of JuRen. And finally, I found it. It was located in a garden on the QunZhong Road. It seemed that the security man was waiting for me. And he told me that the office location was changed. The company of JuRen had moved to the third floor of the WenYi building on the WuYi Road. After telling me this, the security man’s kept his eyes on me, until I left. 

At this time, I hesitated. And I dared not go to the WenYi building. With the noisy street, I rode to my home. When I arrived home, I hided myself in my own room where was located in the second floor. I still felt nervous. I was worried about that what kind of man should the present boss of the company of JuRen be? What should I say to him when I meet him the next day? I was nervous and I could not sit down with my mind empty. And at this time, I noticed a young couple who lived in front of my house were talking. The man asked: “what is he doing?” Although between us, there was a curtain, I still could hear their words. The woman replied: “stop talking” They saw me and I hided myself in order not be seen by them. And then, I heard the man said again: “ It may because that he is a man with talent”.

At that time, my mother was retired at home. And seeing my unhappiness, she always comforted me with her words. She said: “It is ok that your salary does not be raised. Or if you are unhappy with your work, you can quit it.” And every time, I was annoyed and replied that: “I know, I know.” When my father came back that night, he bought a lot of things which are my favorites. Because he knew that I was unhappy those days. But, I did not know why I have no appetite and did not want to eat at all. What poor parents. They were old but they still worried about me. And I was already about thirty years old. What a shame! I had an old sister and an old brother. And they all married. Only I, who lived with my parents. That night, I also took a lot of tablets because I could fall asleep. And the second day, when I get up, I got a pain head.

I retook my road to revenge. It seemed that everyone was looking at me and everyone wished me win. In order not let them feel disappointed, I told to myself that I must win. When I arrived the company of JuRen, I felt full of power immediately and I looked like a man who was impossible to lose in the battle of negotiation. The new manager of this company was a young man with forty yeas old. He looked much mature than the previous manager Guo. He was a kind man. And again, it seemed that he knew I would come. And he received me to sit down with passion. He asked me why I came here. And I told him that I had worked in the company and asked him directly: “the manager, what is the standard of hiring people in your company? Do you pay more attention to the talents who are imaginative or the talents who are hard worker? He answered with smile and confidence: “We need both of them, and we hired both of them.” while he uttering these words, he used his feet to touch my feet under the desk. I knew that, by doing so, he wanted to cut down my confidence. I admired that he was good at resolving such problems. I asked him to come with me to the corridor and I continued my second question with my hand pointing outside the window,: “ the manager, the name of your company is JuRen, which meas huge. It should be located in the business zone on the WuSi road. But why it is located near to the bus station?” By hearing my words, he said nothing and smiled with embarrassing. He patted my shoulder continuously and asked me to bear this with generous. At the beginning, I prepared three questions to ask. But because of his gentleness, I stopped asking. And I excused to him that I had something to do. And I left after I shook hands with him.

  When I arrived home, I was happy because I met a kind and nice manager. I decided to have another talk with him. And I wished that I can work under his control. I was thinking of how to persuade him to hire me with my eloquence and talent. But when it came the night, it was hard for me to fall asleep. I was young and single, and that day I was happy. Therefore I relaxed myself a lot. And I had sexual desire that evening. And at this time, a soft voice from the downstairs neighbor interested me. It was the voice of my neighbor YiMei who was a little younger than me. She said softly: “Chun, are you desire of woman? Waiting for me, I will come to you very soon.” I was surprised, and thought: “is that true?” Although she was a woman with no education, she had white skin and a wonderful figure. Having sex with her must be wonderful. I could not control my sexual desire and get up to open the door for her. Her voice came to me from far to near. She said: “honey, I am coming.” And at this time, I heard the step from the stairs. I hold my breath and waited her coming. But she did not come at all. I realized that the door in the first floor was still closed. And of course she could not come in. My happiness was too soon.

   My sexual desire was gone gradually and I began to sleepy. But I could not fall asleep because of the noisy step made by high-heel shoes. It was my ex-wife. She asked: “Chun, what are you doing?” This familiar voice awoke me up. When we two married, I had no steady job and I had to do some temporary work outside. We did not have a lot of money, and we lived with my parent. Because of some tiny things, we two were divorced unhappily. It was late night. Why did she come here? I wondered. I tried my best to hear her clearly. I heard that she changed her previous acrid and harsh voice and said: “Chun, how could you treat me like that? If you want to divorce with me and I will divorce with you. Why did you come to my working place? It embarrassed me a lot.” I thought: “If I did not come to your working place, it is impossible for us to divorce so quickly.” But seeing that she was talking with such a peaceful tone, I felt ashamed and regretful for her. Again she said: “It will be better for us if we divorced peacefully.” And after these words, she left. I also hoped that we could divorce peacefully. But both of us listened to our parents and did what our parents want us to do. Although she was gone, I still in the recall of being together with her and could not fall asleep. Up to three or four o’clock in the morning, I was really tired and I fell asleep finally.

   When I was on the edge of sleep, anther voice awoke me up again. I did not know why I dared not put my head outside the window to see who was talking. Judging from the voice, I knew that this voice was made my neighbor who lived next to our doors temporary. But I still dared not to check it. She was about twenty years old. By her interrupting, I could not fall asleep at all. When day dawned, I came to the balcony to see what had happened. There were a wall between our balconies and on the wall, which was full of dirty, there was some trace. I still could do nothing.

   Because I did not sleep the whole night, in the morning, although I had my face washed, I still felt tired. My head was heavy and I did not know what was I doing. I stood at the stairs, and I heard the noisy sound from the road and the harsh hoot made by the cars. I heard someone was saying: “come out, we are looking forward to see your behaviors.” Another said: “what a wonderful actor! You should keep acting.” And the third said: “don’t let us disappointing” I felt unwell and lonely. For about twenty days, I was nervous and was controlled by my thought that I wanted to take a revenge. I was on the edge of being breakdown. My heart was hurt and I could not let it stop hurting. I hesitated and dared not to come to the company as a man who seemed unable to be negotiated. I collapsed and I ran upstairs quickly and lied myself down on the bed. I felt I was going to die, and I took a heavy breath. Outside my room, there came the voice continuously. “What happened?  You are normal yesterday, and why you are abnormal today?” some one said. And the little far neighbor YiXiang said loudly: “what a timid guy! How can you be a big potato?” and the woman who rented a house in the same alley said: “come out, or you will be called coward.” All of these voices were from those who I was familiar with. And there were still something other words which were much offensive. I lied in my bed and listened to the heart hurting voices. I was sad with tears and my heart was nearly broken.

  That night, I took about thirty tablets with the wish of having a good sleep. When I was on the road of being asleep, I was awoken by the voices from the outside road. About one o’clock in the morning, I could not help the noise and knocked my mother’s door. And said: “Mon, it is too noisy outside. I cannot fall asleep. I want to sleep on the end of your bed.” My mother turned on the light, and made me to sleep on the end of her bed. But after a few seconds, a man with my age who was living near our house began talk with me. His name was OuYnag. He said: “Look, your dick is moving.” I felt that some insects were walking around it. But when I touched it with my fingers, I could not find the insects. It was very strange that I always felt they were insects there. I put my hands on it. But the feeling of insects was still there. OuYang made flirtation on me all the time. He said again: “I am sorry, haha. It’s ok.” “why are you coming again? I do not touch you anymore? If you wanted to be touched, let me help you.” After his words, again I felt that there were insects there. I was tired but he kept talking. He said: “hi, I am talking with you. Why are not you pay any attention on me?” therefore I had another sleepless night.

   In the second day morning, I ran downstairs and dragged my father’s hands in order not let him to go to work. I said: “Dad, I haven’t fallen asleep for two days. I was painful. And can you go to my uncle to fetch some pills?” My uncle was a doctor. He worked in HengKang drug store which was in the north of the JieFang Bridge. My father was worried and answered me with a comforting tone. He said: “ok,ok,ok.” And then he asked me: “ And why cannot you fall asleep?” I replied with terror: “at night, the outside was very noisy which made me can not fall asleep.” I was scared of sleepless night. Because I had been ill because of the sleepless night and I took some alcohol in order to make me to fall asleep easier. And after the drinking of alcohol, I had  acousma the second day.

   It was about eight o’clock in the morning, Xiao Tang, the general manager’s driver came to visit my home. Both my father and I were surprised at his coming. My father received him with passion. And after his sit, he asked me with care: “Are you Ok?” I was moved by his words and treated him as the one who could help me. I replied with my head lowing “I have not fallen asleep for two days.” He comforted me with warm words. He asked me to take care of myself. During our conversation, his phone was ringing all the time. He picked up our phone and called back. After that he came back to his seat and said: “you are a nice man. Do you have any requests?” I felt that he was coming to see a patient. My father said quickly: “can you let him to enter your company?” He replied: “it is impossible. The reason why I can work in the company is that my uncle was the vice provincial. It cost him a lot to let me in.” “And we have to wait for several years.” He supplemented. At this time, he phone was ringing again. And he said goodbye to us. We accompanied him to the door and he left. As his leaving, our surprise was gone too.

  Finally I broke down. I was ill. I lied in the bed and waited for my father, because he would send me the pills. I wanted to fall asleep, but I could not. I thought: “how could they treated me like that?” Some one replied loudly: “How dared you say that?” I did not know why I was out of luck? Another voice came to me: “it is yourself who caused your tragic.” I was not in the right mood and at this time, the woman who rented in front of our house was yelling her daughter loudly: “Fang, come back.” Hearing her voice, I felt that she was calling me to recover. Her voice came again: “do not run away. Ok?” It sounded that she was scolding her daughter. I did not want to go to the company of JuRen. And at that time, I felt that it was very remote that I wanted to take a revenge to the company of JuRen. My father came back with the pills. He said: “your uncle said that you should take the pills before you are going to bed. Or it will make you to reverse the day and the night. I lied in my bed and replied, “En.” My father did not give me the pills because he was afraid that I would take it before the night. I did not know why others could know what I was thinking. It was fatal to me. I could do nothing, but be obedient to the God. And that night I had a good sleep after I took the pills.

  Because I could sleep well by taking the pills, I did not feel that others were scolding on me any more. But except sleeping, I could do nothing. And I felt that I was becoming much stronger. My family was worried about me, especially my parent. My mother felt that I was still in bad condition, and she said that she would go to my uncle’ s drug store to fetch some Chinese medicine for me. I agreed.

   The other day, when I went out to see a doctor, the feeling of being scolded by others came u too me again. I was in terror and felt that all the people in the street were scolding me fiercely. The YiXiu family who lived in front of our house was scolding me in the fiercest way. The brother-in-law of YiXiu saw me came out, he shouted: “Where are you going? I warn you that you should not go, because you must be die.” I was scared by his words. I knew he was saying this to hurt me. And he succeeded in scaring me. I did not want to go to see a doctor. But I went at last. On my way to the doctor, I felt that all the people in the street were talking about me with bad words. And even they were spitting towards me. It seemed that I was like a rat in the street. About nine o’clock in the morning, I arrived at my uncle’s drug store. A crowd of patients were in front of my uncle. I put my head in. When my uncle saw me, he nodded to me, and said: “Chun, please wait for a moment. I will be free right soon.” I nodded my head to show that I understood what he had said. Even in the drug store, I still felt that all of the people here were looking at me with hatred. I was uncomfortable by staying here. A few seconds later, my Uncle asked me to come to him, and he asked: “what’s wrong with you?” I replied: “it is very noisy around my house and I had a bad situation.” I did not finish my words. A woman beside me said angrily: “ what a smelly mouth! Stop talking.” When she uttered these words, her face was to the opposite side of me. And after her words, my uncle put his head low and said nothing. That woman continued her words: “You have a terribly smelly mouth. There is no need for you to see a doctor. You must go back and clean it at once.” I was scared. After a few seconds of being silence, my uncle asked me in a low voice: “what’s wrong with you?” I said: “It is pain in my bosom. And I cannot concentrate on anything.” My uncle looked serious and gave me the prescription. And he asked me to go the sales counter to fetch the medicine. The man who worked at the sales counter looked at me for a while before he passed me the medicine.

  When I was leaving, a group of people who were attending to the funeral passed in front of my eyes. And the car which carried them was tied with red cloth. I was scared, because I thought that they were going to my funeral. They wanted me die. I did not know why I had such a feeling. I was devoured with sadness and helpless. I was lack of energy and rode my heavy bike home. And at this time, I paid no attention to the people in the street.

  I lied myself on the bed. And I was unwilling to submit. Did I do something wrong? Did they join together to fight against me? Why I was so ill. And again, the outside of my room was noisy. A loud voice came to my ears: “You bad guy, why aren’t you going to die? If you still alive, you will hurt others to die.” This voice was made by the thin woman from YiXiang’s family. And another a bit gentle voice from the down outside was made by a man. He said: “Don’t be afraid. They are cheating.” And I replied in my mind: “how can not I be afraid? I am afraid to death.” And I was almost crying.  

 This evening, my father brought me the stuff that was used when I was working in the property administrative office of ZhuangChang Company. It made me feel it had been such a long time since I left the company.

I became more and more arrogant. Even if I escape from downstairs to upstairs, upstairs to the 3rd floor, I was still surrounded by the criticism of people. My ears were all day up to hear what the outsiders say and every time I felt those words were aimed at me, thus, I could not help suspecting.One passenger said: “well, this man has an excellent brain and master many skills. He is bound to do something on politics.” As soon as he said that, I associated with myself. Well, on the prospect of science and society, I do know everything and got ability. Becoming a politician or even a prime minister is a piece of cake. I was so arrogant that I can’t help thinking about this. “Damn, when death is coming, I was still such a fool.” Yixiu’s dad cried, “I still not you opponent.” He kept shouting. My heart suddenly fell into and ice hole, feeling the pain of as if a knife stabbed into I’m going to be dead. Seeing this, my mom really worried about me .She had tried lots of ways to cure me. Because she received no education, she is a loyal believer of PuSa. Finally she found an efficacious wizard who can cure those people whose souls were possessed by evil spirits.

That night my mom and I had finished dinner early. She is going to take me to the old wizard’s. I was not willing to go but I had no choice. When we arrived there we found many devout men and women, most of the women were more than middle-aged. When it was almost my turn to see the old wizard, a white-skin and can be called beautiful young woman came to my eyes. She walked the center with her knees down, asked the old wizard whose soul was taken possession of Budda to bless her husband working in Japan. Then she asked the old wizard whether her husband was safe outside there. The old wizard answered one by one and made it kind of true. When it was my turn, my eyes still can not move from her, I don’t know why I have so much fascination about her. After my mom explained my situation to the old wizard, he asked me, have you been to pee under Banyan. I tried to search in my mind but found no even once. “not even once ?” he asked again. “No.” I answered firmly. Then I forgot what he said to my mom after he gave my mom a bag of censer powder and a small bottle filled with something like water. On the way to home I still could not forget that young woman. Before I went to bed mom told me to drink the water with censer powder.

The next day, when I went downstairs to have breakfast, my mom said to me, do not always stay at home. You should go out to clear your head, such as going to YanTai Shan Park and you would fresh up. I promised her thinking that I would rather have a walk more than to be criticized at home. The road situation still frustrated me, harsh thorns, the noise of roll-up door suddenly fell down, the howling of people, all rushing to me. When I walked to the lope of Yan TAI SHAN, I saw a charity advertisement with national flag printed on it. My mind cleared up in no time. I felt that I was till patriotic and I respect and appreciate the national flag from deep heart. An old man saw this and came to me, smiled and said, “Well, good boy, good boy, hide your red heart well.” However, my good mood did not last long. When I climbed to the flat-roof house on the mountain top and bowed to see the views below, an impulse of jumping down came to my mind and it appeared many times. It terrified me but I could not move, standing there like a fool. After a while, a couple walked near and talked happily, and I knew how to behave.

I wandered to a poker-desk which was surrounded by lots of people. A man with burns was playing card. He glimpsed me and sneered: go without hesitation! Don’t consider that much. Hey. My parent and I have not got a baby yet. Shit! Bitch! He kept sneering at me by making a face. I left embarrassingly with my face red.

I climbed onto the top aimlessly, and I found the beautiful young woman I met in the old wizard’s .She climbed onto the top from the other path. I quickly put down my head, with my heart beating hard. When I look up .the woman disappeared! My eyes could not have told me the wrong message! I’m pretty sure! Might someone want to raise my illusion and I dare not find out the truth.

When I came back home I could not even watch TV like a normal person. There are all scenes which made me nervous and scared. Such as the hundred-year ducker of Nazi Germans. Then I switched to sport-broadcasting channel, the narrator suddenly frightened me when I was going to fall asleep in sofa with “kind of getting over excited.” And other channels can be called a broadcasting scence-play of my mind, emotion. The people around me were the content of broadcasting on TV, know my mind and emotion immediately and criticize me.

In the afternoon, I could not afford the criticism of my neighbors and escaped to my mother’s room. At this time, another neighbor started to complain again: “you went insane again? The old woman were there like murmuring,” so, you think he was good or not?” And another old woman answered. My mom kneaded my head with the old wizard’s water in cotton stick and then my heated brain suddenly cooled down. I said to my mom: “it’s enough, mom, it’s like alcohol, now I felt much better.I sat on the sofa, continued accepting criticism from the back yard. Once I thought about something, they would at once know and talk against me. I would also listen to what others talk about and tended to follow their minds, then they would find defect to go against me .Once I get tired, they would shout loudly to wake me up. Day after day, I did not have on minute of peace except when I fell asleep. 

Chapter Three   

Suffering from Frequent Attacks and Bitter Criticism

One noon on the late November 1995, I returned home from Gutian. When I passed the backdoor of Yixiu’s, her families were having lunch together. Yixiu cast a side-look at me, cursing “Damn it! For such an idiot to live in this world, what a shame! ” The destructiveness of a woman’s shifting her emotion from affection to hatred was beyond my imagination. Backing home, I was so absorbed in what was going on outside that I didn’t talk much with Mum. Only when I made sure that bitter criticism from outside world has stopped pouring down on me did I calm myself down. 

When, after dinner, I was sitting at the back waiting for Dad, a neighborhood lady who once cursed me up hill and down dale passed, whispering “Why all is so clamed? Will he behave normally?” I knew that she intended to comfort me. 

All was over. And all was back to normal. But something inevitably left after a destructive disaster. The same was true of me. What left to me after this disaster was my helpless addiction to medicines. For the next one more years, I couldn’t live without the medicines. Once I forgot taking them, my mind tended to be activated, and I will uncontrollably flirt with the bad sides of all events. For example, when I happened to run into a police car in the street, it occurred to me that the police might arrest me; the grand stone on the sideways looked as if, in my mind, it will throw at my head at any time; when others were chatting, I doubted they were calling my names…… It is abnormal, I did know. But I just couldn’t control my thinking and my mind. I had no other choice but to resort to medicines. To make things worse, medicines tended to empty my soul. They drove me into an idiot to the core. What a torture to me! What is meaning of life! 

Regardless of the torture of sequel, I went on looking for a job. With great efforts, I found a job on a department store eventually. It surprised us that all day long the boss didn’t arrange any task for us. I had to idle the boring time away by myself. The day finally came when a branch manager asked me to draw up a work plan to introduce my ways and understanding of promoting our products. When the plan was ratified, he allowed me to carry out the promotion with some products. The products were not first-lined ones. It really was hard to promote him. The result was as terrible as can be predicted. After thinking for a while, I decided to take them home. Anyway, it was better than nothing. I lost my job for a second time. 

My sister has always been concerning about my situation. She knew clearly that I didn’t have a good day and decided to find me a more stable job. Stability outweighed high payment. She asked for my advice “Which do you prefer, a joint defense force at police station or a municipal administrator on a village?” Since I just suffered from bitter criticism, it scared me to think of police station, so I chose to be a municipal administrator. It is, of course, just a temporary job. 

At the end of 1995, for the first time in my life, I went to work in a governmental organization. Temporary as it was, the job was less demanding and colorful. I didn't get high pay. It was about five hundred Yuan per month, more or less the same as that of Zhuangchang Company. But my mental welfare stood in stark contrast to that in Zhuangchang Company, which throughout my life I will never cease to curse.

There were four temporaries at our municipal administration; all were recruited because of internal relations. Qing Gao was one of them. He was the nephew of a powerful village party secretary. Xiao Qiang was the brother-in-law of our monitor. Another staff was Nengyi Wu, introduced by our deputy mayor. We all worked under the administration of Direcor Chen of District Board. Gao Qing was nickname “Walking Encyclopedia”, and was called “Journalist” by our monitor, because he roamed all the offices (except that of mayor and Secretary) to “interview” everybody. Gao Qing was a born social butterfly, having complicated social background. Xiao Qiang was somewhat younger than us, and was still single. He was also not easy to deal with. Young as he was, he spoke like an experienced man. Just as a Fuzhou saying goes, “An eighteen-year-old guy looks as if he has experienced twenty four generations.” Well Xiao Qing’s worldliness might have something to do with his cleverness and cunningness. Nengyi Wu looked like a cullion. Eating, drinking, whoring, gambling……All were not new to him. Working with such three fellows, I looked, by contrast, quite stiff and clumsy. Inevitably, I was frequently scorned. 

My job was quite easy. When there was nothing to do, we often read newspaper or just chat to idle the time away. But I preferred to stay alone, reading the newspaper. I didn’t like to stay with them, trying to avoid embarrassment in public. Once we worked overtime to perform duty and we had supper at a restaurant. Next day Director Chen brought the invoice for dinner and asked us to sign names on the backside. Finished the signature, foolishly I asked Director Chen, “Why we sign it?” “You are all responsible operators. Needn’t you sign it?” Director Chen asked in reply. “Oh, I see” I see then. All burst into laughter. It was just like you debagged to fart. Seizing the chance, Xiao Qiang even nicknamed me “Operator”.

It was already January 16th, 1996 when I heard from buddy Jin Tianming. In the letter, he expressed his understanding and sympathy over my sufferings. He also encouraged me to live with strong will. The letter was so persuasive and considerate that nowadays I even read it from time to time. But he didn’t contact with me any more since then, probably fearing of any incrimination. 

The Spring Festival was just around the corner, but my mother suddenly became terribly ill. What a harsh time! I will never forget that moment when I saw my mother laying on the bed: she seemed to become older overnight. Because of strong pains, she was tossing from side to side, breathing listlessly. Mum’s health was not that good as before because of constant hardworking. But she has never been that sick. I cannot help feeling terribly sad and shameful. It was my fault! I was to blame! There was not even a day that my mum did not worry about me during that period when I was suffering bitter criticism. She was mentally and physically exhausted. Eventually she broke down. What a bastard I am! A thirty-year-old son should have his parents worry so much about him. How could I be so ungrateful! I strongly reproached myself, not able to forgive my impiety. My older sister used to criticize me angrily in the face of my family: “A Chun, what a genius you are! Others got at most one hundred points, but you two hundred points and even three hundred points! ” What a big lesson! What a great cost! I swore that I wouldn’t be so incorrigible any more. When communicating, I swore, I wouldn’t force others’ hand. 

My mother was diagnosed as acute cholecystitis by The First Infirmary of Fujian Medical University and must be operated immediately. The hospital situated just behind Chating Street. But my father and my sister did not allow me to stay in the hospital to look after her. At first, I was quite confused, but then I came to realize that they were worrying about me. I could not withstand any stimulation. Since I was myself mentally sick, I cannot but to become an outsider.

Due to my mother being confined to the hospital, the year of 1996, my family did not celebrate Spring Festival together. It was the first time since I grew up. 

I went to see my mother for some times during her stay in hospital after the operation. Once when my mother resting with her eyes closed, the auntie next to my mother’s bed tried to persuade me, saying that: “Your mother worries a lot about you because of your marriage. Your aunt has picked up a girl for you. You’d better follow your mother’s advice and go to see whether she is suitable.” “Okay.” I answered in a low voice. What else could I do? What else could I pick? I cannot but to follow my parents’ arrangement. In fact, earlier before I have heard that my fifth aunt would introduce her sister’s daughter, who also lived in my hometown, to me.

Mum looked pale when discharged from hospital, humpbacked and teeter. It was quite obvious that she was still very weak. I dared not roil her any more. Soon, arranged by my parents and the matchmaker, accompanied by that girl’s younger sister, who now is the younger sister of my wife, I left for Huangtian Town of Gutian to see her. To be frank, it is her sister’s beauty and gift of the gab that attracted me to leave, thinking that since her sister was so beautiful, she wouldn’t be too bad. 

My assumption turned out to be more or less reasonable. It was not until dinner time that I had, for the first time, a clear view of her, for she sat just opposite to me. Though her dress was not so fashionable as her younger sister, she did have an elegant look and was quite lovable. I stared at her, my wife- to- be, while swobbling the delicious food. What a pleasant pleasure it was!  The only imperfect problem was that it would be humiliating to introduce her to my relatives because she was just a rural maiden. But since at that time I was only a temporary worker, not quite capable of bringing home the bacon, and was still suffering mental illness, I cannot but to make up with it. It was with this conviction that I married her and had our own children.

In fact, she did not lived in Huangtian Town, but Pinghu Town instead, the same town in which my parents lived. Her father worked in a transferring station in Huangtian. At that time her family was contracting for the managerial right of the canteen of that station. No wonder her mother cooked so well. At about seven or eight clock that night, I was told by her family that she had the impression that I was an honest man. I did impress her. There arisen a good omen in our relationship.

I remained to be the constant laughingstock of the public in the working place. One morning the whole stuffs of our District Board set out to assist Regional District Board Team in dismantling an illegal building within our district. It went on smoothly. We withdrew in advance, leaving the Regional District Board Team monitoring the workers to dismantle the building. When bored, Director Chen often made fun of me. Look, he was sitting on his female-style motorbike, turning the key in the ignition and then cut the engines. He asked me to restart the engine in the way he had done. Hard as I tried, I failed to make it. Seeing this, Monitor Wang burst out laughing. “Operator, how come you can’t make it. You idiot. You die!” Then Director Chen showed me a second time. I did follow his instruction, but I just can’t get the engine started. They all were convulsed with laughter. Nengyi Wu howled with laughter, pressing his chest while nodded his head ceaselessly, crying that “How funny! Operator, without you, my life wouldn’t be without any fun. I would enjoy at least fifty years more as long as you are here.” Xiao Qiang shouted: “What an idiot! It shames him to live in this world. Operator, if I were you, I would have jumped from this bridge.” The harder I tried to start the engine, the worse the result was. The engine was just so uncooperative. Whatever I do, the engine wouldn’t start. It did ring when I honked the horn. It was no powerless. How come it won't get started? Hard as I tried, I couldn’t figure out. The Regional District Board Team was attracted by the laughter. I was so embarrassed that I just remained there, scratching my head, not knowing how to break this awkwardness. Director Chen saved me from this humiliating state, saying “Operator, I don’t mean it, but how come you are so unobservant. Didn’t you notice that, to start the engine, each time I touch on the brakes? ” Only then did I realize that one has to put on the brakes so as to start the engine.

Lying down on the bed after returning home, I could not help thinking off what happened in the morning. What a humiliating nonsense! Deeply has it violated my sense of self-respect. It is the side effects of medicines that lead to my awkwardness. What else to blame? How, on earth, could I get away from this miserable predicament? I knew clearly that machines only helped prevent my health from deteriorating and that in no way will they cure my disease. Failing to find the way out, I became helplessly desperate. With the help of the medicine, I gradually fell asleep.

As usual, I went to see Doctor Zhang periodically. He warned me not o reduce dosage or cease taking the medicines. I told him my sufferings after taking the medicines and he once prescribed other medicines for me, but the effect was not obvious. I asked him whether there existed such medicines that could cure my disease, “Till now, there are not such medicines all over the world.” he shook his head. I had no other choice but to take the medicines in time, thrice a day. The medicines drove me into a useless corpse. I wandered through life, too lazy to use my head while having a big stomach and sleepy mind.   

During that time, I went to Gutian to see Fangyan, my girlfriend, for some times. Other times, we kept in touch with each other by writing. To tell you the truth, it was her lovable appearance that attracted me. Though she was not beautiful to the core, her appearance, as a wife, was basically acceptable. I didn’t take her knowledge and family background into too much consideration. Dizzy and sleepy all day long, I didn’t think too much of all these. After all, I was at my trough at that time, I couldn’t be too picky. In fact, Fangyan only had middle school diploma. Besides, she had two younger sisters and a brother to look after. Her father was the only financial resource of the whole family. Since I was suffering mental illness and hadn’t constant salary to support a family, I had no right to find fault with her. Even if hat I met was a more beautiful and competent girl, whether she loved me or not, I would give up. I didn’t deserve it. If, I mean if, Fangyan’s sister, for example, loved me, I would feel inferior to her. I just didn’t deserve it. 

Once I went to date with Fangyan. She wanted to watch the video. Since there were not many places for dating in villages, I did not refuse. Actually I had no interests in video. I should have fallen asleep when watching. Fangyan now still has hard feelings over this and sometimes she makes fun of me. It is still unbelievable to me. Sleepy as I was, I never fell into sleep when lying on the bed watching TV at home. The medicines are to blame.    

With her family we returned to her hometown Pinghu on May. According to the local custom, we invited our relatives and friends to our wedding feast. Thus we were engaged, which, according to rural custom, almost equals to formal marriage. 

Slim as the chance was, I still, with great anticipation and enthusiasm, tried every means to look for cures for mental illness from such Medias as newspapers, periodicals, and advertising papers and so on. Just as the old saying goes, where there is a will there is a way. The day finally came when I learned from the advertisement on Fujian Radio and TV News that some private clinic in Fuzhou has miracle drug for curing mental diseases. I was delighted to the core, and immediately took down their addresses and telephone numbers. The next morning, I went, in succession, to the clinic in Yangqiao Street, Junrong Clinic in Xiangyuantou, and Huarong Clinic in Sancha Street. I asked them about their miracle drugs. They all told me that their drugs would cure my disease. But it would cost much: drugs for one period of treatment would cost from at least one thousand Yuan to three thousand Yuan and to cure my disease, I would have to take about three periods of treatment. It would cost me, as I roughly calculated, at least five thousand Yuan, which was a tremendous amount to me since my monthly salary was only about five hundred Yuan. Fortunately, we the temporaries were well treated and received almost the same welfare as the establishment strength. So I managed to scrape up roughly two thousand Yuan before the National Day.  

Since it was not a small deal, with an empty medicine bottle, I asked President Zhang and my uncle for their advice. President Zhang insisted that traditional Chinese medicine wouldn’t cure mental diseases. Seriously he warned me that the miracle drugs didn't have a National Lot Number. He asked me to be more careful in lest I were cheated. As for my uncle, after examine on the ingredients of the drugs, he assured me that those drugs really can calm oneself down. But he wasn’t sure about their effectiveness on curing mental diseases, so I had to make my own decision. 

What they said disappointed me a lot. But I cannot but to take their advices into consideration since they were professionals in this field. I have been considering for almost ten days, during which period I gaffed once again and was criticized. One day we assisted the Regional District Board Team in one task. When the task was almost finished, the leader of the Regional District Board Team happened to notice that I was dressed in uniform jacket but casual trousers. Hurriedly he murmured to Director Chen, and Director Chen laughed at me: “Operator, how come you dressed like this? Just have a look at your trousers. What nonsense!” I knew I had made a mistake, embarrassedly, I found excuses for myself: “I should have noticed this if I hadn’t been so hurried.” As a matter of fact, I noticed my casual trousers when I was dressing myself, but so lazy was I that I didn't change them for uniforms. Nengyi Wu satirized that “nobody has ever paid attention to him. This guy made such foolish mistakes from time to time.” They injured my proper pride once again. 

Hardly can I bear the sufferings of this disease, and then I decided to have a try of the miracle drugs. In view of the cost, I finally chose the Huarong Clinic in Sancha Street. It was a middle aged female doctor who received me. What she guaranteed got rid of all my worry. She said “Once you take our traditional Chinese medicines, you could gradually stop taking western medicines. If you are skeptical about the effectiveness of our drugs, you can first try one period of treatment.” She also assured me that “after finishing three periods of treatment, you would be back to normal and you needn’t take drugs any more.” Her heartiness impressed me and I finally accepted her proposal agreeably. 

Seeing the potential success, I took the drugs for one period of treatment and felt quite good: having relieved from the shackles of western medicines, I seem to come to live again. Then I tried another period of treatment and was almost back to normal. 

I began to introspect when my mental health was improved. Reflecting on the whole event, I knew that I was to blame. My pugnacity and my complicated thinking were the main causes of the accidence. The objective cause I can think of is Bingguang Lin and Jubao Tang. Tang and I were not well acquainted, so actually the more and more intense entanglement between Ling Bingguang and I finally led to my mental breakdown. I thought of revenge. From then on, every night when I rested on my bed I would plan for my revenge on Lin. And an idea came that I should attack his son rather than Lin himself. This is the so called “eye for eye”. The impulse of revenge excited me. But my plan has never been carried out since I haven’t ever taken it into consideration. 

After a not too long period, I found that my mental health has not yet completely returned to normal. One day on October 1996, when I arrived at the clinic on 61 Street, my pager rang again and again. Seeing that it was my company that called me, I called back immediately. Monitor Wang summoned me for some emergent task, and he warned me not to wander any more. So even if I was just in front of the clinic, I had to return back promptly. By the way, at that time a deputy Mayor Chen was in charge of us. He looked serious and was very strict with us. I turned back to the company only to find that Mayor Chen and Monitor Wang were waiting for me and that the emergent task was by no means emergent-----they just informed me that I had to work overtimes that night.  

This small incidence was actually a terrible omen. In a few days, to my great surprise, the awful nightmare attacked me again. People, in their union, attacked me together. My mental thinking was exposed to the public and was suffering from criticism every minute. Those around me cursed me again and again……It scared me to the core and I realized immediately that I had committed mistakes again. My mental health deteriorated and I had to suffer from the unbearable pains and criticism once again. Like a frightening bird, I hided myself in my room, suffering from bitter criticism, introspecting that I wouldn’t give a damn thought to revenge, you all please please please please please forgive me and free me! It frightened me to think of going to work, which meant my unavoidable exposure to the criticism and vituperation. They deliberately made up all kinds of noise to scare me: the harsh noise of the sudden closing of the door, of the car gate, and the harsh siren……Terrible enough to scare me. Under this great pressure, I began to reflect on my unreasonable thinking and actions over the past year. Firstly, the impulse to take revenge on Bingguang Lin was the worst mistake that I’ve committed. Secondly, just as someone has pointed out, I was a playboy. Last but not least, I didn't draw any lesson from the first severe attack. 

The second point was quite right. It was my favorite part time interest to dance in the hall, idling the time away. Though I had a girlfriend Yanfang, but she was in the distant Gutian at that time, too distant to give an eye on me. Once I happened to get acquainted with an elegant lady called A’Hong. We exchanged our phone numbers. I asked her out for dancing for several times and I happened to know that her husband, who had an extramarital lover outside, didn't treat her well. Knowing her marriage was not ideal, I pursued her enthusiastically. We soon fell into a close relationship. One day I took her to my home, only to find that mom was in. Sort of nervous, I just didn't manage to get myself hot during the one more hours in the bedroom. Feeling pitiful, I went to hers for a second time. Though she had much experience and created romantic atmosphere, I just can't show my masculinity. It hurt me so deeply that I can't get myself out for a very long time. I was wondering if I was sexually impotent. No sooner had I overcome a big difficulty than I sank into another deeper one. We did keep in touch for a long time. But in such a materialized society, I really was too lazy to reflect on my inability, which would be an awful process. 

As for the third point, actually it shocked me. I used to believe that after the incidence of Zhuangchang Company, as long as I learned from the lesson, I would be free from those criticisms. I never anticipated that they should monitor me all day long through the monitors on the sky and around me. They inspect my thinking and actions for every moment. Only then did I realize the fact that I had long been confined in a jail, mentally and physically since I left Zhuangchang Company. 

Seeing that my disease deteriorated, my parents summoned my sister back immediately. Hardly had she seen me when she shouted at me: “You have forgot to take medicines, haven’t you? I had told you many times! You should not stop taking them. Look at yourself!” Busy as she was, she took me to see President Zhang. To protect my mind from being hurt again, I cannot but to take medicines three times a day again. My sister took me to President Zhang periodically and repeatedly asked me to take medicines everyday, saying that my blood needs those ingredients everyday. 

Whatever happened, life should be given the top priority. But this time I did learn from mistakes. Unwilling to waste my money, I bore the enormous pressure with strong will. I tried not to have anything to do with the outside world so as to avoid any predictable criticism and injures. This was the most valuable lesson I’ve learned. They took all kinds of measures and noise to violate me. When the noise was unbearable I just closed my ears or listened to the tapes so as not to let their criticism influence me. I have been thinking that it was the ineffective protection that led to my mental disorder. My head used to be exposed to the brutal attacks from the outside world round the clock. It was both necessary and urgent to think out a way to protect my head from external attacks. During that time, I have been looking for good ways to prevent others from knowing my internal thinking. One afternoon just before I went to work, it occurred to me that doctors always wear a rubber bib when carrying out an X-Ray examination so as to protect themselves from the harmful effects of X-Ray. Why don’t I cover my head with a rubber cover to protect my head?! Thinking of this good idea, I hurried to the corner of the stairs where I found a thigh-boot. I cut the thigh-boot into a round shape and hide it in my hat. With this protective hat I paid special attention to the response from outside world. Not unexpectedly I found that they didn't know what I was thinking about any more. Slinkingly I cursed them, only to hear they shout at me: “what are you mumbling? We can’t follow you. ” It relaxed my eventually. Thus I managed to protect my recently regained energy at this urgent moment. Though they didn't figure out my thinking any more, they intensify the meddling and stimulation on me. 

One afternoon no sooner had we began our work than an urgent task came to us summoning us to prevent a villager from renewing his old house. I did not forget to add a piece of rubber into my hat before leaving. Deputy Mayor Chen led us to the villager’s. This was a fractious guy. On seeing us, he shouted at Deputy Mayor Chen immediately “why can't I put them over there?!” while pointing to a pile of lumber at the hall. Deputy Mayor Chen shouted back: “This is a public place. How come you build a house where the lumber ought to be placed while placing the lumber at the hall? ” I didn't know why my heart should have been up and down with their up and down voice. I just felt that they quarreled so as to frighten me. It was not until now that I realized all these were put forth on me deliberately. I listened absent-mindedly while trying to withdraw gradually, but someone was in the way. Deputy Mayor and the villager went on quarreling, neither was willing to concede. Unable to bear such attacks, I escaped from the public. No sooner had I got away than I heard them shouting like this “Then I place them over there temporarily, OK?” “No, you can’t. No exception. Why you place them over there? You have your own house, don't you?” “Nonsense! Absolutely nonsense!” “You know what? You nonsense!” ……It seem to me that they deliberately quarrel so as to attack me and my heart, having nowhere to hide it, had to suffer from their attacks.

After the first incidence, my sister suggested that the third floor had a better geomancy. She asked my father to move to the second floor while I move to the third one. When later I reflect on this, I realized that something was wrong. I doubted my sister arranged the exchange so as to monitor my thinking in a more convenient way. Anyway I had no right to argue about anything. 

When reflecting on my tragic experience, I doggedly insisted that they (the public) meant to submit me by all means, which was obviously an insult on the rudimental human rights and an unfair and inhuman attack on me. During this second attack, they never ceased to curse me. Even when I confined myself to my house, their harsh criticism could be heard: “It is said that recently you are very aggressive. Complaining and cursing quite often, right? Dare you curse again?” Feeling uncomfortable on my wind, I stood there, totally stiff. I took off the hat quickly, mumbling that “I dare not curse the masses any more. It served me right to suffer all these disasters. I dare not curse anybody. I am serious.” After that, I bowed to the God, apologized for what I had done. In order to completely conquer me and to remind me of the heartbreaking disaster that might come at any time, the brutal attack has not yet come to an end. 

When working at the company, nobody ever paid attention to me. Seeing that I wore a strange hat, Gao Qing and other guys didn’t make fun of me any more. Everyone, including Director Chen, was talking about me slinkingly. Once when Director Chen was talking with Xiaorong, the only girl in the District Board Team, I overheard Xiaorong saying that “Ah. The operator happened to be such a guy! No wonder he takes his strange medicines everyday.” Seeing me, they stopped the conversation all at once. And I just didn't know how to idle the long working hours away. Nobody chatted with me and I became more lonely and silent. All day long I read the newspaper, jumping from the first piece of news to the last one, from the first page to the last one. When someone talked or shouted in front of me, my heart would beat faster and I just felt cold inside my body. Damn it! What a helpless life.  

Whenever possible I always stayed at home instead of going to work. Unavoidable as the criticism was, I would rather stay at home. But my mother never ceased to urge me to go to work, so I had to make a variety of excuses for myself. 

One noon after taking the medicines, I fell asleep very quickly. It was already sunfall when I woke up. And I heard one nearby woman shouting: “others are worrying about you while you just enjoy your sleep. Just see how long it would last.” Her shouting cast me down immediately. Lying down on the bed, I wonder how long these desperate days would last. I just felt that I was on the edge of collapse. Feeling helpless, how I wished I just went on sleeping, never waking up… 

When this second attack came to an end, I gradually realized that my mind has always been monitoring by “the third eye” up in the sky. How terrible! I had to wear my protective hat every day so as to protect myself. I gradually took less and less medicines and my thinking became more and more logical. 

Later my mother became ill again. She was sent to the hospital and operated for a second time. We were told that the calculus was not taken off completely during the last operation. So the doctor suggested removes the gallbladder this time to avoid any squeal. My family, like the last time, still did not allow me to see to my mother in the hospital. It was my brother and my sister who looked after her every day. Fangyang, who was then living with my fifth aunt, went to see her from time to time.  

The bright day came in the late 1996 when Fangyan and I got married. We lived together with our parents. 

After my health was improved, I gradually found the sneer and satire from outside world unbearable. It was urgent for me to prove that I was not useless. One night we had to work overtime. It was our task to clamp down all the illegal pedicabs in our district. Soon we set out together. But later we found that teamwork would make our action too noticeable and that once we caught one pedicab, others would flee away. So we had to go by ourselves. On seeing one suspicious pedicab, I followed it carefully, only to find the man quickly turn into another alley. I followed him and caught him at a crowded place. It was a small middle aged man, quite thin, fifty years old or so. He looked older than his age due to frequent exposure to the sunshine and strong winds. I used to run into him at Shoushan Road. He entreated me to let him go. I refused and asked him to go with me, but he was unwilling. He didn't get a license plate for his pedicab and he worried that it would be confiscated once he went with me. We have been arguing for almost half an hour. Finally seeing that he was sort of poor, I warned him not to drive an illegal pedicab next time and let him go. Meanwhile Director Chen and other colleagues were worried about me since I have disappeared for a long time. No sooner had Director Chen saw me than he asked me: “where did you go?” I told them what had happened and Director Chen praised me a lot. Nengyi Wu volunteered to catch the driver. The next morning I asked him: “Did the old man promise to give you some wines?” “Of course. If not, I would have smashed his pedicab.” Wu responded. 

Xiao Qiang, however, still looked down upon me. One day when I was reading newspaper at my desk, all of a sudden, he reached me and grabbed away my newspaper, saying: “let me have a look. I am looking for some information.” I knew he always grabbed other colleagues’ newspaper when he wanted to read them. This time I didn't give up. Following him, I went to the director’s office. I shouted at him: “Behave like a gentleman. Why did you grab our newspaper each time you want to read it?” While reading the newspaper, he answered: “You the idiot! What do you know about newspaper?” I was annoyed, shouting back: “What are you talking about? You grabbed my newspaper and you should have insulted me like this. Who grant you with such rights?” On hearing this, Xiao Qiang stopped his reading, stared me back: “Do you want to fight?” “What! You want to fight? I told you! I am not a craven!” I snarled at him like a strong lion that was just waking up. At this urgent moment, Monitor Wang, Xiaoqiang’s brother-in-law, came in, shouting, as if kidding, that “What are you doing? Do you want to fight?! Don’t you have other things to do? Believe it or not, your yearly premium would be canceled if I told our leader.” Hearing this, we were both silent. And Monitor Wang continued: “Is fighting meaningful? Oh God. We are working together.” And he left. Since my purpose to warn him has been achieved, I went out as well. All was settled.

How time flies. The Spring Festival of 1997 was just around the corner when Gao Qing brought awful news that the temporaries would have to go home since some formal public servants would take place of us. I lay off when my good days just began. I told the news to my sister on the spot and she comforted me that “You just stay at home for sometime. Everything will be OK.”

I spent my entire yearly bonus on buying traditional Chinese medicines from the clinic at 61 North Street. It was said that they had the injection for recovering damaged nervous system. I tried one period of treatment. To my delight, it did work. So I bought some medicines and injections for two periods of treatment. More than two months has gone and I recover completely. But I still dared not to tell my family about my taking traditional Chinese medicines. I told my sister that I have taking western medicines everyday. 

After Spring Festival, I realized that I was really laid off. I had to look for other jobs. I first went to work as a promoter in a small company in Guangda Street. The company sold lubricant additive. After a brief training, I began my new work. I took it for granted that for promoting such additive I just had to visit the main department of all industrial and commercial company. I visited the concerning officers of the mechanical department, metallurgical department, and Petrolia department of the local government. I beg them to assist in promoting our products and promised high brokerage to them in return. At that age, brokerage was quite popular in promoting merchandise, so I was sure that it would be a good idea. Having worked for one month (I mainly visited the concerning departments), however, my colleagues and I all achieved nothing. One day our business manager summoned me. Hardly had he seen me when he asked: “Did you feel empty after visiting the concerning officers? I don't mean you cannot visit them, but what have you done?” I was scared: how did he know that I felt empty? He then told me that my salary for the passing one month was two hundred Yuan, which minus the fine for being late I only got one hundred. I should have argued with him, but something unknown stopped me from saying anything. With the one hundred Yuan, I left the company. Thus I became the first to quit the job.  

For a very long time, I cannot completely forget it. But thinking that “the third eye” might be punishing me for my impure motivation and action, I had to give up and face the reality. 

I went to the job market each weekend to look for new jobs. Sometimes I did find good job, but they thought I was not competent enough. Sometimes they promised to give me a job, but I was reluctant to go. Those jobs were mainly about promotion. On that field one was not easy to get good results even if he worked very hard. I realized that my last job in the District Board Team was much easier, so I keep calling my sister asking her was there any chance for me to work in Changshan Town again. When delighted, she would ask me to wait, but when unhappy, she would just leave me such words as “I am busy now!” or “You are hopeless.” I was just so confused…… 

I had to find a temporary work since my wife Fangyan didn't have a job either and I wouldn't like to disturb my parents any more. April soon came and Fangyan was pregnant. 

To tell you the truth, I first worked as a salesman in Taijiang Hardware Processing Factory. The factory used to be operated by the local street department. It produced all kinds of nozzle---a small accessory of central air conditioner. When I entered the factory, there were about five salesmen, but one week later, I was the only one who still stayed there. A colleague once came to me for advice, and I told him proudly that I visited the companies listed on the phone book. 

I used to think that promoting such small accessories would be not as difficult as promoting other products. It was not until two or three months later that I realized that on this marketing economy society, small accessories also faced great competition. Besides, our products had no many advantages in terms of quality. As a result, I only received a small order from McDonald’s Engineering Department. I was sort of disappointed. And I began to slink to dance during working time. One afternoon I went to dance in Chating Dancing Hall. When the dancing was just about to come to an end, I got acquainted with a young lady called Shu Ping. She was in her thirties. Actually she was not beautiful, but she looked younger than her age and was basically very plump. I accompanied her home after dancing. I invited her to taste the snack at Dadao Street. 

Ever since I acquainted Shu Ping and asked her out to dance for several times, my sexual intercourse with my wife became abnormal. For many times, just before the orgasm, the harsh shouting or noise of metal dropping to the floor outside the house would make me feel cold. And I just failed to make it each time. I knew “the third eye” was punishing me for my unfaithfulness to my wife. But the despicable way that “the third eye” punished me annoyed me. I was unwilling to introspect. I hated it. I hated myself. I was as useless as animals. Having thought for a long time, I finally decided to go to see the doctor. The doctor assured me that all resulted from my psychological factor and he suggested me to try some “Viagra”. From then on I had to drink and take half piece of afrodyn before sexual intercourse. Now I was addicted to them and cannot live without them. 

When the sales promotion was not ideal, I could only get two hundred yuan a month, which was not enough to support myself. Our way of sales promotion is not illegal. But at that time there was no law against it. To reduce the cost, every company had its own way, some even claimed they had got “the managing experience brought from Hong Kong”. I kept calling my sister asking her about my job. One afternoon she went home to ask me whether I prefer to work in Hualian Commercial Hall or Changshan Town. Of course, I preferred Hualian. 

I answered without hesitation. One of my friends Qiu Ping was working there. He once told me that in Hualian even you were just a salesman you would get much enough. But later on my sister told me that if I went to work in Changshan Town, they would probably assign me a house. After weighing the pros and cons, of course I chose Changshan Town. But things didn't move on smoothly. It lasted for months to get permission from local government, the Bureau of Personnel, and the department in charge---regional labor bureau. I was often furious about their lack of high efficiency and sometimes even cursed them for it. I went on working at the hardware processing factory while looking forward to the news from local government at the same time. Eight months has passed before the news came. 

The news finally came on November. I went to work in Changshan Town as a formal staff. I was proud of myself because among our four temporaries only I got an associate degree and thus was the only one to become a formal staff. I was grateful for my sister and the chief officer in Changshan Town who contributed a lot to my being recruited. 

My wife gave birth to a son on January 9th, 1998. My whole family was excited about his birth. It was because since both my brother and my sister gave birth to daughters, naturally my son became the only heir to pass down our surnames. My father was an old feudalist. Influenced by his colleagues, he has been anticipating my wife to give birth to a son. When the son was born, he was wild with joy. Seeing that little boy, his once wounded leg should have healed in a few days. Whoever he met, he would show off like this: “Nobody would laugh at me anymore. I had a grandson to pass down our surnames.” Before my son was born, our neighbors, who mostly came from the outskirts of Fuzhou city, often teased at my father for not having a grandson. My mother and my fifth aunt were busy worshipping Buddha for giving us a grandson. So I had to take care of my wife and my son by myself. Due to cesarean section, my wife had to stay in the hospital for a few days. And I rushed between the hospital and my home everyday. The later ten days really exhausted me. 

The day finally came when my wife was discharged from the hospital. I stopped a taxi. All of a sudden the wind blew strongly and the street looked quite lonely. I found many passersby staring at me. It scared me to think of the potential attacks. I sent my mother and son into the taxi and went home without delay. 

After arranging everything, I listened carefully to what was going on outside the house. Not unexpectedly a storm was coming. Another attack on me was just around the corner. I had no other choice, but to hope that I can minimize the harmfulness. I knew why they punished me again. 

After the second attack, “the third eye” changed their ways to monitor and reshape my thinking. They intensified their steps. Whenever I thought or did something unsatisfactory or illegal, they would remind me of my wrong doings through harsh speech or noise. Evening was the most miserable time. If I happened to say or do whatever in their eyes wrong during the day, they would punish me and I just cannot fall asleep at night. What really terrible was not the nearby noise, since as long as I put on my earphone the noise could be avoided. What annoyed me was the electromagnetic wave they sent out, which more often than not woke me up when I was just about to fall asleep. Usually this happened many times a night, so no matter how many sleeping pills I took, it was not until four or five o’clock that I really fell asleep. And when I woke up the other day it was often already the noon. My family criticized me for not going to work. Miserable as it was, I didn't know how to tell them about my misery. I used to refer to a lot of books, buy many rubbers, aluminum plates, anti-radiation cell phone patch. Besides, I even used to sleep in the aluminum plate so as to protect myself from the radiation of electromagnetic waves. But all turned out to be not effective enough. I had to give up the fight. But as times went by, I became more and more furious about their punishment on me. Sometimes I would even curse in private the neighbors who made noises. Meanwhile I took Shu Ping home and even kept in constant touch with her when my wife went back to her hometown, which violated their punishment and pose a great challenge to them.  

The day before my son was one month old; reluctantly I went to Jiefang Bridge to receive my father-in-law, mother-in-law and other relatives from the hometown. On seeing me, my father-in-law made fun of me saying that: “I heard you are a big shot, aren’t you?” I just laughed, thinking that I wasn’t that stupid guy looking forward to become a big shot in the future. I tried to take over the load on his shoulder, but he refused by saying that “you don't have that strength”. Thus I led these relatives carrying loads home. On the way home many people spitted on me on seeing me. When arriving at home, I locked myself in my room as usual. Fangyan’s mother has always been looking forward to coming and taking care of her daughter after the birth of my son. And they did come. They lived with my son in the front room on the third floor. I knew I was much safer when staying at my own room. Though the attack was still unavoidable, the harmfulness was minimized. During this period, I found the rubber in my hat not protective enough to protect my head from being hurt. I then added aluminum sheet and anti-radiation cell phone patch to enhance its efficiency, thus I successfully avoid the fate that my thinking would be exposed to the public at any time. But they fused by force all kinds of thoughts and emotions into my mind so as to monitor my thinking. I had to withstand their successive punishment with great efforts. This time the attack lasted until my son was one month old. In order to free myself from the harmful influence from the outside world and the interference of “the third eye” with my thinking, I often closed my ears with my hands. I wandered in the room, not thinking anything else, but just mumbling such meaningless phrased as “one two three four five six seven” so as to avoid any possible attack. Seeing my strange behavior, my mother-in-law would laugh at me: “what on earth are you doing?” She didn't mean to hurt me; I knew that she was just curious about my behavior. What she didn't know was that I was suffering a sever disaster.  

We invited our friends and relatives to dinner so as to celebrate my son’s one month old birthday. I was responsible for carrying the trays. On such a populous occasion, attack was almost unavoidable. My feeling went up and down with their chatting. You just cannot imagine how miserable it was. Someone complained that the dishes came out too fast and shouted at me: “please tell the cooks to slow down a little bit.” It shocked me and I said OK. No sooner had I reached the kitchen than my mother-in-law asked me to pass a clean plate to her. The plate was easy to find, but I just cannot find it, as stupid as those who have just woke up from his dream. My mother complained: “How come you didn't find them. They are just in sight.” I took over the plate from my mother and passed it to my mother-in-law. When I served the dish later on, some guests complained: “I’ve told you. Ask the cook to slow down a little bit.” “Sorry, I’ve forgotten.” I answered, thinking that my facial expression must be quite unnatural. Then someone reminded me: “Has the fish been served?” Clumsy as I was, I just stood there, not knowing what to do. “Go and have a look.” Someone suggested and I rushed out to check it. The guests discussed about me. “How come he forgot the dish?” “He might be too delighted to remember it.” Hearing their chatting, my face went red. Nothing could be easier than carrying the trays. But I was just too anxious to do it well as if I was confronted with a group of interviewers. 

When I worked in Changshan Town, the officer assigned me to the local labor bureau which was at that time called labor security office. Under the administration of our superiors, we opened a career service center in front of the building of the local government. Different from the job on District Board Team which was much free and easier, it was a service industry. I had to work on time. Our superior at that time was Agent Lin dispatched from regional labor bureau, very capable and mild. I quite respected her. There were also two female colleagues, both older than me. Influenced by such atmosphere, I thought of pursuing further study. To improve myself, I decided to take part in tutorial class for exams for the self-taught in Jinwan School at Chating Street. My major was management, but thinking of the disaster I had encountered, I decided to study the most popular major---computer technology. I knew clearly about the difficulties of shifting from art to science. But I doggedly believed that once I got the graduate diploma of computer science, I could leave this heartbreaking country forever. 

When reading at my desk, I would wear my hat. But the hat cannot stop the attack. The tantara of the cars, the harsh noise of motorcars, and the sudden sirens all annoyed me. Someone would come in asking about nothing and looked at the people on the street so as to monitor my thinking. When I was nervous they would screamed; when I calm down the passersby would deliberately talked about those wrong ideas in my mind. It scared me from time to time. 

During this period, I found my mental health has deteriorated. Was I going to spend again lots of money on curing the disease? Fortunately after this attack the symptom gradually disappeared and I realized that “the third eye” has been attacking my head by sending out electromagnetic wave. I became meek for a long time, not daring to violate them. It reminded me that the attack might occur at any time and in any where. It was urgent for me think out a countermeasure to protect myself. I found that when they attacked me they would break the protective layer of my hat, so I added a thick lead sheet to the hat. I also found that if I lay down on the bed they could only know about my thinking but were unable to further attack me. So afterwards when they attacked me I often stayed at home and lay on my bed so as to avoid further damage. 

Time changes the way we think. Sometimes when reflecting on what they had done on me, I couldn't help cursing their cruelty and insult on my basic human rights. Whatever their purpose was, I found it difficult to tolerate their misdeed. After I have been attacked for some times in 1999, I was on the edge of collapsing. I wrote to the United States Ambassador to China Shang Mujie in March 1999 and September 2000 respectively, asking him for help, hoping that I could get asylum. But I never heard from him. Not reconciling to the reality, October 2000 I wrote to the United States’ main news agency in Beijing for help. Also no response. It was not until my sister came to talk with me that I realized that those letters had been burked by the concerning departments. My sister seriously warned me not to write to them anymore. Police Duan used to come to see me for this affair. He inquired me of the contents of my letter. I told him I just wrote my life experience and some of my feelings. He took the copy of my handwriting and left. It seemed that the attacks on me decreased after this happened. 

I have been studying attentively during the first two years of my career. Because I studied for the sake of going abroad and escaping their attacks on me, they always sent out electromagnetic wave to attack me the night before examination, which made me sleepless all night long. The next day imaginably I wouldn't have the mood for exams. I had no other choice but to give up. 

Because both my wife and I found my parents’ chatter unbearable. We just could not get along well with them. So we broke up the family and lived apart with them on the second half year of 1998. 

Agent Lin was dispatched back to the labor bureau after the government stopped levying job regulation fees from the enterprises. The career service center was then closed. We moved to the second floor of the old building of the government. I found that in that building there were no workers working in the third floor and the fourth floor. “The third eye” has done me a favor. For a long time after Agent Lin was dispatched back to the labor bureau, there was nobody to in charge of our department, so all concerned with their own matters. During that time, I didn’t get along with the new colleague Yue Hua, who was recruited because her backer. At the very beginning I didn’t pay any attention to her criticism on me, thinking that she was too meddlesome. Our conflict intensified gradually from disharmony in work to quarrel and fight. 

And it lasted till today. “The third eye” never stopped its monitoring on me. Yue Hua, the representative of “the third eye”, often skipped the work. She often knitted or chatted during working hours or shopped. Housewife as she was, she should have been promoted as the chairman of the local Women’s Federation. Each time I violated “the third eye” she would turn up and “punished” me. She often deliberately brought a large pile of magazines in front of me and threw the booklets which have been collected according to categories on the desk. Unable to bear the noise I had to left. Besides I often found my towel being taken by someone else to burnish the dirty. Each time I found that I would curse, and then fled to the operating office of mobile phones on the fifth floor to read books or newspaper so as to avoid attacks. I also didn't get well with another male colleague Old Li, who is now our head. 

In 2003, our labor bureau was renamed labor office, and we also faced the change of our responsibility. Our task would be rearranged. At that time Old Li was already in charge of the office and he knew beforehand that the field related to job application would be much tougher than the field related to retirement, so he left, without my permission, the job-related task to me, while he and Yue Hua took over the much easier retirement-related task. Knowing this from the colleagues, I went to debate with Deputy Mayor Chen. I argued that: “They are all party cadres. How could they select the easier task for themselves while leaving the difficult one to me? Are they qualified party cadres?” In order to settle this affaire, Deputy Mayor Chen soon claimed to have me in charge of the retirement-related task. Since then the relationship between Old Li and I deteriorated. 

I have been working in the labor office for ten more years. During this ten more years, I seldom talked with others except for the sake of working. I was a marginalized individual, unable to adapt myself into the whole group and didn't have an intimate colleague or friend. Most of my counterparts have long been promoted as the party cadres. I was an exception. Nobody has ever noticed me. I was the only who was still a common staff in my office. 

In 2002 the community we lived in became a clearance area. Fortunately my house has not been removed. When the new community was built, the first floor of the building we lived in became a storefront. Because my wife didn't get a job, we opened a grocery store there. The store did greatly lessen my financial burden. I tried my best to assist my wife in operating this store. To our great relief, the store has survived for six more years. 

At the beginning of 2004, I was attacked again due to my conflict with our neighbor Lin Zhen. My family used to get on well with Lin Zhen’s who lived near Yi Xiu’s. I used to call on his family quite often. Since most of our neighbors have moved away, Lin Zhen and his family gradually took place of others as the representative of “the third eye”. He often found fault with me. He borrowed things from me but refused to return them back. He deliberately avoided buying things from our grocery store. Under this circumstance, Lin Zhen’s sister Yi Mei should have asked my mother to do her a favor. My mother found it difficult to settle and complained it to me. I argued with her: “The two families didn't get on well with each other. Why should we help her?” Our relationship became even worse. And each time I had wrong ideas in my mind or I had done something which was not permitted, Lin Zhen’s family, especially his mother, would curse me furiously. Their behavior has annoyed me and I began to curse them in private. One day when I passed their back door, Lin’s mother, who was washing the vegetables, began to curse me. Feeling intolerable, I shouted back: “What are you cursing about? You know what? You looked just like a furious dog.” Hearing this, she cursed more furiously. “The third eye” knew well about all this happenings.  

Seeing that I was not obedient enough, “the third eye” attacked me again and I had to hide myself in the room. Though I had a hat to protect myself, but “the third eye” would penetrate through the protective layer to monitor my thinking. One evening I seemed to hear a familiar voice above my head. It was our good neighbor Director Daming Lin, who used to help send my son into Maiding Primary School. “He” asked me to take off the hat. I followed his order. And then I heard “the third eye” talking. Seeing this I kneeled down and kowtow immediately. I thus began my first conversation with him: “It was my fault. I am feeling terribly sorry. Please please please forgive me.” I apologized to him and asked for his forgiveness. But he didn’t accept my apology. “He” said that I never yield to “him” and that he would give me a lesson. Thus on one hand “he” talked with my soul, while at the same time made me furious when confronted with my “enemies”. So I often quarreled and even fight with my “enemies”. If my lechery annoyed him, he would make me allured by old women that I hated most. This was the way he punished me. I soon lost confidence on “him” and tried every means to avoid “him”, but just never succeed. 

From then on, “the third eye” has become our respectable “Director Lin”. “He” has been monitoring my thinking and actions at any time and in any place by secretly talking with my soul. I have told “him” many times that what he was doing was just modal and that it would never reshape me. But “he” insisted that it would reshape me formally and spiritually.    

On the International Labor Day 2004, I put into practice what I have been preparing for a long time. I planned to, in the name of touring in Singapore, stay in Singapore for a period and then write to United States’ Embassy in Singapore to apply for asylum. In order to pass the safety inspection smoothly, I didn't took any protective tools including the medicines that I took every night for the sake of avoiding his attack. I seemed to have driven on the hook that “Daming Lin” had prepared. “He” boarded the plane with me and attacked me the night I arrived at the hotel which made me sleepless all night long. The next mooring, having overcome all kinds of obstacles, I finished the application. “He” interrupted me when I was writing: he made my mind blank; he asked me to stop writing; he tried to convince me that it was meaningless to draw up the application. When I finished, “he” suddenly became an intimate “friend” advising me to give up my plan and go back to China with “him”. Though the hotel I was living in was quite near to the United States’ Embassy, it seemed that there were a lot of his fellows on the street. No one would help me. My voyage to the embassy would be very difficult. Following his advice, I finally tore up the application I had written. During my stay in Singapore, “he” was kind to me for “he” knew only gentleness would make me yield to him. I came to Singapore with strong determination and I never planned to go back, but now I had to give up. I had to go back to China with “him”. 

But once I went back to China, “he” showed his real intention immediately. When in Singapore, “he” used to promise to allow me to enlarge my store. But after I returned, “he” tried every means to prevent me from enlarging it. I knew his purpose: he was warning me not to “bargain” with “him” anymore. 

One night, I was chatting with neighbors outside my store. When we talked about corruption, we criticized it intensively. What impressed me most was Uncle Huang who lived in our neighborhood. He said: “Once there was a woman who sold steamed bread in Zhejiang. She was quite smart and beautiful. She lured a provincial officer and became rich from then on. A woman who used to sell steamed bread should have become the deputy director of the provincial Department of Construction. With some million Yuan she fled to foreign country. It was not until one month later when she sent back her resignation that others knew her corruption.” We were all shameful of the officers and cursing them furiously. I cursed that: “The corruption of the Communist Party today might be even worse than that of Kuomintang. It is really terrible.” When saying this, I found “him” shouting at me: “What are you talking about? You bitch!” That was how newspaper commented it. Why they can talk like this while I cannot? 

When in the late night I was about to close the store, a bald man in a black hat broke into the store to make a telephone call. He was quite tall and thin, about thirty years old or so. When he finished the call, I asked him to pay for it. To my astonishment, he burst into cursing: “You bitch! Shit!” and then slapped me in my face. He smelt alcoholic. I drew back and he approached me, shouting that: “You bitch! Dare you curse me again! Mind your business!” I retreated before he would beat me again. 

I looked down upon this despicable way that he taught me the lesson. I cannot accept it. I would demonstrate myself; I would take revenge on “him”! I drank by myself in the store. It was not until one or two o’clock in the early morning that I felt my way to massage parlor in Walking Street.

I have been looking for that loathsome guy. I would, without any doubt, take revenge on him!

At the end of 2006, I decided to buy an apartment near the school where my son studied. The apartment got through all the money we had accumulated in the past few years. Costly as it was, based on the following reasons, I decided to buy it at all expense. Firstly, there were in all seventeen floors on the building and I chose the third floor so as to avoid “his” control. This was the main reason that I decided to buy it. Secondly, the house where we used to live was made of bricks. As time went by, it became too shabby to live in, so we have been looking forward to improve our accommodation for a long time. Besides our old house was likely to be removed at any time, so we had to made preparation beforehand. Last but not least, since the new apartment was near the school where my son studied, it would be much convenient for him and the whole family. This was also one of the important reasons. 

Based on what has been mentioned above, I bought the apartment regardless of my financial burden. As a matter of fact, the money my wife and I had accumulated was not even enough for down payment. It all depended on the help from my parents, sisters, brothers, relatives and friends. Of course, half of the payment was done by mortgage. Thus I became a big “home mortgage slave”. 

I hoped that I would enjoy more freedom, physically and spiritually, after moving into the new apartment. 

                

Chapter Four

While the Priest Climbs a Post, the Devil Climbs Ten

I never really yield to Daming Lin’s control on me and wherever I went he would follow me. I was afraid that “he” would attack me abruptly, so I’ve been striving to look for good ways to fight against him. Just as the old saying goes, where is a will there is a way. I did finally find a good way to defeat “him” in 2007. Actually it was not very difficult. What scared me was not the scolding, shouting and any other noise from the outside world, but the electromagnetic wave he sent out. His control on my feeling and emotion also boiled down to the electrical energy that he imposed on my head and my body. As long as I was barefoot or sitting on the floor, all the electrical energy would be released completely. Simple as it was, it took me ten more years to think it up after experiencing so many disasters. It was a milestone in my fighting against “Daming Lin”. 

From then on, whenever possible I wouldn’t wear my shoes. When necessary, I would add a metal plate in the shoes and linked it with the floor through a wire. It was really useful. When ridding or working in the office, I was attacked quite often. But of course it was impossible to link the metal plate with the floor, so I made an aluminum sheet and added it into my underwear so as to release the electrical energy accumulated in my body. I also added a stainless steel bowl and cell phone to my hat so as to prevent electromagnetic radiation. With these equipments, I wouldn’t be influenced by others when I was attacked. The roar of motorcars, the noise of spitting and coughing, the scolding, shouting and screaming would not scare me anymore. The feelings and emotions that “he” imposed on me was gone forever. I was relieved. Since then when he attacked me, I dared to face it directly. I needn’t to hide myself anymore and I soon became too lazy to reflect on myself. So “he” intensified the control on me. Now he attacked me almost every day and I have been quite used to it. 

The electromagnetic wave that often made me sleepless scared me most. Although I had connected my head to the floor and used the radio-frequency head and mobile phone to fight against “him”, but it was not enough and I also had to take a lot of sleeping pills so as to sleep well. 

I made friends with my colleague Zhang Ning in 2007. Following my advice, Zhang bought an apartment in the same building as mine. And we became neighbors. But Zhang was dispatched away disruptly in 2009, making me lonely again. 

March 2008 was the possession date of my apartment. It took me approximately half a year to decorate the new apartment. Of course it was done under the help of my parents, my sister and my brother. 

We moved into the house on March 12th, 2009. A new life has begun. 

When I was enjoying the new life, to my astonishment, I found “Daming Lin” followed me as usual. In fact I had noticed “him” even when I was decorating the house. Though my shoes were linked to the floor, the electrical energy was so powerful that I felt dizzy when talking with the workers. Besides, my heart would beat faster than usual. One day the workers didn’t come and I decided to have a good sleep on the floor of the new house. But his attack prevented me from falling asleep. I didn’t pay too much attention to it, thinking that might be it was because there were not too many inhabitants. But when we moved into the new house, there were already many inhabitants living there. How come he attacked me so easily? I couldn't help worrying about it. When decorating, I asked the workers to dig a hole in front of the bed so that I can connect my head to the floor. Still I couldn’t sleep well. Anxiously I installed a marble down the bed so that it would be more convenient for me to connect my head to the floor. I also equipped myself with the radio-frequency head. With these equipments I fell asleep with great difficulty. The electric wave often woke me up early in the morning. I soon found that the window of the opposite apartment faced my house directly and that the light was always on when I couldn't fall asleep. I knew something from this observation and I put the stainless steel autoclave on the bed stand so as to ward the light from the opposite apartment. 

But the electromagnetic wave from the upper stairs and other houses still prevented me from falling asleep. I tried to stop it by covering my head with my hands and mobile phone. The electromagnetic wave seemed to disappear all of a sudden. And then I tried it in the kitchen and dining room. To my great surprise, “he” was not only above my head, but also hided around every corner, around the window overlooking ours. Where there electromagnetic wave can penetrate, there was no place for me to hide myself. He would find me wherever I went. How terrible! 

I used to believe that “he” monitored me up in the sky, which, I found later, was really ridiculous. If “he” was in the sky, he would be ten thousand meters away from me. In such a long distance “he” can only monitor me but was unable to attack me. The electromagnetic wave was, as a matter of fact, sent out around me! What a surprise. “He” wasn’t so competent or mysterious as I thought. “He” was just around me. For nearly ten years, I’ve been overestimating him and undervaluing myself. 

I used to hang a protective bag above my head when I was in my store. But I didn't know that the electric wave was sent out from the all side directions of my head. Considering this, the bag might be useless, since even when the bag was hanged there, “he” would also talk with me and monitor my thinking. Now as long as I padded the bottom of the bag with metals and connected it with the antenna of wireless telephones, I could avoid “him” without many difficulties. 

I have also been looking for places where he would not presented and where I could have a good sleep. I examined the ichnography of the house and found that it was the least dangerous to sleep in the place the four sides of which are both made of reinforced concrete or in the wall that was long enough. If the position happened to be appropriate, even “his” voice could be avoided. It took me ten more years to find ways to get rid of “him”. 

After careful consideration, I decided to move to sleep at the door which was connected to the wash room. He never gave up. He attacked me from the above, the front and the backside. I had to bring the radio-frequency head, indoor television antenna, small television with antenna, mobile phones and lots of corrosion resistant plate to fight against the powerful electromagnetic waves. Before going to bed, I had to take sleeping pills. If I happened to forget to take the pills, “he” would interrupt me and prevent me from falling asleep. I had to install many facilities before going to sleep, and hide them when morning came. Troublesome as it was, I had no other alternatives! 

 Why “he” treated me like this?! The answer is quite obvious: I never really yielded to “him”, on contrary, I violated “him” more often than before. It was tougher for “him” to teach me a lesson. But “he” never gave up. I was often suffering from snivel, coughing, having cold and often got a diarrhea or collywobbles without any reason. I cannot live with armor. 

 “Daming Lin” believed that I’ve never yield to “him”, which was quite right. Sometimes I asked “him”: “What is the so called ‘yielding’?” And “he” answered that “throw away all your facilities and wait for attacks like the first time you did.” I cannot do as he told me. Even when I was dying I would never throw away these protective facilities. I was worrying whether “he” would follow me even if I were dead…

 “He” often encouraged me to kill myself in lest “he” wouldn’t finish his task. “He” often said that “I would follow you all your life; attack you all your life; punish you all your life till you are dead.”

What is fundamental is the discrepancy of ideology. When one party, making full use of its advantage, intended to impose its wills on the other party, the conflict between the two parties would intensify and the bloodiest occasion is likely to arise. It applies to the war between two countries, the quarreling between families. All result from the irreconcilability of the disputes between different notions and beliefs.

In the past fourteen years, I have always bear in my mind a motto which says: “Live like an animal, eat drink and be merry like an animal, and then get old and die like an animal.” It was this motto that encouraged me to survive with strong wills.

I am not willing to idle away the rest of my life like this. That is why, though with many difficulties and under great pressure, I adventured to make my miserable experience known to you all. Otherwise “he” would follow me wherever I go. 

It was not my intention to make my life so miserable. I don’t want to be an invisible prisoner. But as long as I am in China, I cannot avoid “Daming Lin”. The only way out is to leave my country that I ought to love wholeheartedly. What she imposed on me I cannot bear anymore. I sincerely hope to get a refuge in America, living my life the way most people do. America has more well developed technology and is the paradise of freedom. I am fully convinced that on the land of America such disasters would never occur and that this magical land would scare away “Daming Lin”. 

My name is Duanchun Zhang. I am from Fuzhou, Fujian, China. I am 45 years old. And the number of my ID card is 350104196510120095. My address is NO. 2 of the NO.23 street, Gongnong road, Cangshan district, Fuzhou, Fujian, China. My telephone number is 83454209(use in night) and 13706989286. E-mail: dc706824259@sina.com

Special event only can be solved by special means. I hope you can help me from the difficult. Please ask the The United States Embassy in China to grant me my visa. And I believe that when I am free, I must be a good writer in the future. Please help me. I will appreciate to your help in my whole life.

  I look forward to hearing from you soon.